I used to sleep with a machine!
As a student that’s the line I used
As I trained as a professional
Court reporter.
I learned a new language
and applied it to the 22 unmarked
keys and practiced until
I could type over 250 wpm.
Practice takes patience and
Trust, a clear direction and
Repetition over and over again
Until acceptance erases the fight.
That’s what I have been doing
For 154 days now –
Practicing my skill of
Silence getting to know me.
I happened upon the practice
Of silence at a retreat because
I had enough of the noise
In my head.
I reached a tipping point.
And said enough!
I surrendered and enrolled
In a week of silence.
I was fed up; I had had it.
I have patience but I was done
Being a victim to my thoughts
it was time to face the fire.
I was excited with the thought
Of a reprieve from the normal routine
And welcomed my aloneness
With books and journals and myself.
At first it was easy as I was
Comfortable in my own company
And then the familiar wilting of my
Insides started and I wanted to go home
Sadness emerged pulling me down
Entrancing me with my stories of loss.
I journaled and cried, walked and prayed.
Eyes lowered and voice still.
I was so tired I slept when I wanted.
I gave myself what I wanted – a new concept.
Only rule was I couldn’t run.
I decided to be there for me no matter what.
I endured sadness and anger and fear
I witnessed my mind clamoring for distraction
I started bargaining and pleading for relief
And I stayed steady because I knew there was more.
An incredible sweet relief
Just being in silence with myself
With no demands, no expectations,
I made friends with me.
Silence has become a buoy
That is anchored in a changing sea.
Sometimes I get tossed around
Scared, angry and sad
And still I am anchored
And willing to be there for me
With breath, with kindness
trusting my anchor holds.
Practicing silence is not boring.
I’m surprised at times with what I feel
Surprised even more by the images
And spaciousness I relax in.
At times the silence drags
As my busy mind fights against it.
Still I will not abandon me
I am worth fighting for.
I’m learning who I am.
Listening to what I need
And giving myself gentle attention
As I practice silence.
My life unfolds day by day.
I trust my problem-solving skills
I learn from every experience
I believe in my worth and dignity.
I acknowledge my pain and look beyond.
I forgive others for abandoning their hearts
I trust the wisdom of my soul
I let go into my silence.
Participants’ Reflections:
Today is the 100th anniversary of women’s suffrage in America and it’s important to mark it. It’s important to mark change and progress, as what happens as a result of this group as we focus on the future.
I was thinking about a silent retreat and asking God for that. And I came across this meditation practice. During the meditation, I couldn’t settle down. My monkey mind kept moving. At the end of it, I realized it’s about a message I didn't want to hear about something bothering me. I have the opportunity to do something about it and have not. I can’t imagine fighting with my monkey mind for a whole week at a silent retreat. I’m surprised what comes up.
My insides pay attention to the gift I give myself during the silence no matter what my mind is doing.
During the meditation, I got the idea of making the type of sign we wear at the silent retreat “Practicing Silence.” It would help me honor my practice of silence at home.
Silence is a good addiction.
What I heard in the reading was that practice takes patience and trust. I think it also takes the will to do it, the belief that the work is going to be worth it. So many times I have fallen off a meditation practice in the past. I didn’t have enough trust to last through it and see the benefits. Now, here during the pandemic, I have the opportunity to have the will by showing up every morning, and as a result, I am finding trust and patience. This meditation time and group is truly a gift. Thank you.
I have years and years of education, which took lots of study and practice. And I learned through it. We’ve been doing this 15-minutes of silence daily for 150 days, or 38 hours of silence. That’s been practice too, learning something. Learning the curriculum, the steps, insights. Like college.
I remember someone here talking about experiencing this time of silence like walking in a “wind tunnel” (see August 16th blog). I learned from that. I’ve learned from all the shares and readings. It's a treasure I didn’t know was there.
I worry about my son. Yesterday, I still felt anxious but I was more at peace. It's from the collective here, the camaraderie of this group. It helped me yesterday.
What I heard in the reading was that “silence has become a buoy.” I think of it as safe. For years, I was afraid of silence and I avoided it from fear. I am grateful, and I am drawn to silence now.
My experience during the meditation was deeper than I expected, and I appreciate the thoughts shared.
The readings are very helpful as a way to jump into silence. The reading is an initial starting place, and it’s helpful.
Photo credit: Aaron Burden