Over the past several years I have been growing spiritually as a Healing Medium. It is not a journey for the weak-hearted as I clear traumas, painful memories and illogical core beliefs that don't serve me any more. Sometimes it feels like I grasp for understanding in the dark, not knowing where I'm going. Other times, understanding knocks me upside the head because I just don't want to see what's in front of me.
Last Monday while sitting in meditation in my weekly trance class, I was feeling frustrated and stuck. Something my mentor said spurred me to ask my guides for help. I was finally able to put words to my frustration and formed a question. I have felt so stuck, living in a human body, getting caught up in "stuff", grieving, wanting changes and disappointed in the world, in my wants and in my frustrations. So many times I feel done living in my body and want to go where I know my daughter is, want to surround myself with truth, love, creativity and realness. I'm committed to staying in my body as long as I am able so I'm not going anywhere yet. And I want to be happier.
The question that formed was "How to live as a human in a spiritual world?" I wrote the sentence down mid meditation so I wouldn't lose it.
After I put that question in Google, a practice I like to do to see what comes up, what came up was a website by Vance Gowmon, medium, healer, activist. He wrote about the stages a human goes through and this is paraphrased:
Stage 1. Identify with being human and unaware of the spiritual
Stage 2. Identify with the spiritual while denying the human experience
Stage 3. Identify as a spiritual being in a human body, using things like our intellect, logic, life experience, along with computers, cars and money to foster life affirming purposes to join in with others to build bridges for us humans to walk across from stage to stage, honoring the importance of the stages, in service of spirit.
This was revelatory to me. I feel I have a place in my humanness to put my grief, my losses, all my egoic wants and needs because it helps me to be a spiritual being in a human body committed to the service of spirit.
I'm taking a breath! I forgive myself for forgetting who I really am. I live in the flow. Those two mantras are on index cards around the house to remind me I am not my loss. I am not my grief. I am not the abuse I've received because of my gender. I am a spiritual being in my human body. I forget.
I often get triggered by things out in the world that remind me of past traumas. I have trauma surrounding my daughter's life-long illness and ultimate transition. It was a simple sign that said "Code One" on a business that brought the image of "Code Blue" to the forefront. Then the cascading emotions, physical sensations and ultimate decompensation sets in until I get grounded and in perspective again. Before I educated myself on the journey of a trigger, I labeled myself "crazy" or "losing it" with terrible self-judgment. Triggers are triggers and it's so important to institute self-care the minute they are recognized. If I don't practice self-care, I abandon myself in a time of need. I am my best advocate.
I have been triggered several times since this revelation by things that happen while I am out and about. Now I take the time to feel them, not push them away. I want to stay steady with myself, not abandon or deny myself tenderness because of self-judgment saying I should be over this by now. I listen to my inner chatter instead of ignoring what I say, which is what I did for years. As soon as I hear concerning words from my inner voice, I pause and offer myself a chance to express in writing, orally, creatively, whatever it takes to listen.
This reminds me of a practice I instituted when my kids were elementary school age. I made it a point to be home when the bus dropped them off. I helped them unload their school stuff and sat on the couch and we talked about their day. As they grew, they didn't want to share anything. I made it a point to make the time and the space anyway. That's what I am giving to my inner voice, time and space.
I'm okay. I'm a spiritual being in a human body, and my whole life experience has contributed to my wisdom. We all gather wisdom from our life experiences, and some of our classrooms have been atrocious, horrible situations. Others are bumps in the road. Remembering to glean some learning from every situation helps keep a perspective on our spiritual growth in a human body. Sometimes the learning comes years later. With the loss of my daughter, I vowed I would never recover, and yet, I continue to learn, aspire to her example and remember I grow spiritually in every situation. Namaste