I say to my teacher I am not ready
I say to myself there must be more
I say to my friend you must be mistaken
I look in the mirror and ignore
Frustration swirls in an eddy
As I pace outside the doors
Waiting for them to be opened
Waiting for someone to let me in
My inner judge is in charge
And she’s not letting me belong
Her standards don’t include me
My memories enforce her decisions.
I keep erasing the ideals I used to have
Only to find they reappear
I didn’t like me much when I was younger
And she’s still clamoring at my door
It’s dawning on me as
My inner judge is listening
Maybe her rules and regulations
are old and outdated
Her presence was needed
As she wrote the rules taught
by the wounded adults who made choices
Ignoring their inner light.
I forgive anyone in my past
Who chose to forsake
their inner light and instead
embraced darkness as their truth.
So I affirm:
I am a warrior of Oneness
I stand free and proud
Openness is my battlefield
Truth is my sword
Illusion of forsaken light is my enemy
And I am my ally
I said to the wanting-creature inside me: What is this river you want to cross? There are no travelers on the river-road, and no road. Do you see anyone moving about on that bank, or resting?
There is no river at all, and no boat, and no boatman. There is no tow rope either, and no one to pull it. There is no ground, no sky, no time, no bank, no ford!
And there is no body, and no mind! Do you believe there is some place that will make the soul less thirsty? In that great absence you will find nothing.
Be strong then, and enter into your own body; there you have a solid place for your feet. Think about it carefully! Don't go off somewhere else!
Kabir says this: just throw away all thoughts of imaginary things, and stand firm in that which you are.
It struck me today, this is the third time you’ve spoken in your writings about the warrior. Last week, we talked about the worrier to the warrior. This morning, if we stand within ourselves, really stand in our own being. Often times, I know I think the warrior is that to the external. Instead, it is within the internal of coming home to settle myself. Stand within where I am, regardless of what is going on on the outside.
I was thinking about the warrior. A lot of art and poetry carries a shield. The shield is for the external things. I was thinking how important it is to have the shield of detachment from the details, the hairy details. Like the court reporter, that stuff flows over us.
I was thinking about inner work that was never part of my mom’s life. She was really practical. She had all these standards for me as rules, and I tried to follow her rules until I was a teenager. I don’t think I was rebelling because it wasn’t like an intentional thought, but it was more setting my own standards for who I was and what I believed in. Whereas my mom just did the practical things. I like to go deeper. She implicitly loved me. I’m sure she loved me because she sheltered me, fed me, set rules for me. When I went on to live from a deeper love, a more radiant love, I used the money from when she died to become a spiritual director. I can determine who I am and how I do things. I’ll be the ancestor to impact the following generations by how I am now. I am the transition person. My mom’s rules were the record in my mind. That’s what comes out naturally, to be like my mom. For me, it was transition from that to who I am now, and hopefully the way I am now can influence the next generation.
Thank you so much. Such a powerful reading. It connects. Last night, I attended services and a young woman spoke about her anger at her father. She was trying to reach for forgiveness. It was so painful to listen to. I wanted to tell her to come to our meditation but I couldn’t. It’s so easy to see how to fix other people. It’s so easy to see how people are stuck in a place that stops them from being happy. In the poem you shared, there is no river I want to cross. I too am putting this boundary in front of me, if I can only get through that then I’ll be happy. I am stopping my own happiness. I love this reminder to be on my path, to do what I need to. I let go of my anger at my father through a lot of work, by talking and listening to him through my heart instead of my mouth and ears. And what you said about forgiving someone for abandoning their light in my life, these are powerful topics (see April 29 blog). Thank you for helping us explore them, and it’s sad to see other people’s sadness. It helps me break through my own and stay on my own path and be present in my own life.
I have a tattoo that has two parts: the bottom part is a tribal symbol of a warrior, the top part is the Om. It’s a way of witnessing and when people ask me about this symbol, I can explain it. It’s a reminder to me what I am inside, that I am a warrior.
A couple of days ago I was playing solitaire and I was following the rules I made up. And I thought, should I change them or make more? And then I realized this is what we talk about in meditation: the rules we make for ourselves in life, we have to reevaluate them and maybe change them. But like the random cards that come up, there are things we don’t have control over. Part of it is acceptance, part of it is just going along. Then I was doing a little house job and it wasn’t coming out well. And I told myself that I didn’t have to accept how it was turning out. I could take it out and start again. It would just cost time and money to do it right. Then I read something political that really scared me, and I realized I could dismiss it, avoid it, pretend it isn’t happening or I could consciously acknowledge it and do something, do my best. Through these meditations, I’ve gotten a lot more conscious about looking at myself. And it is exciting that the things we are talking about are seeping into my everyday life. I don’t think about them just during meditation, but they are following me into my days.
Thank you for the reading. I’m visiting my family. I like to think of myself as a loving person who comes from my heart. I knew it would be tough to be here because I am vulnerable right now. During the meditation, I stood up and thought about my feet on the ground. I walked over and sat down with family members with my phone and earbuds in and looked out at the trees and meditated sitting there. Something was said to me intending to get my goat. I looked at him and said to myself I’m not reacting. But I made a gesture, an act of defiance. And they burst out laughing. I came back to a private place to meditate. To follow my feet where I am means I can sit in all the feelings that come up. It feels like I go into the rabbit hole and come out, and go in and come out. I trust this is all for the good. And I fear that I’ll never get out of here, out of this place where I just won’t let the joy in. I started to mediate and said, please take this, please take this. And I had a clear thought, it was because I was wearing my earbuds, it was his sideways way to get back at me for not being present. It was interesting. I am looking at where do I create the discord in my life. It’s not an excuse for the people, but it’s more what is my part. It’s just hard to be where I am. I like it when I’m solid and happy and connected. But it’s not today. And that’s okay.
Thank you. This group feels like an oasis. This is like a courtroom where everybody gets on the witness stand and they are so honest, refreshingly honest. I think that’s part of the magnetism of this group and why I keep coming back.
It is an oasis because the truth is comforting and real. To me, this is like positive feedback. It’s like when I got loving feedback at a class I went to. I learn so much better and can remain open.
This meditation is structured to be consistent and safe. We know what to expect so that we can be in it, however we are, which to me is a key to life, a key to parenting, and a key to parenting ourselves.
Thank you for the caring of yourselves so that you consistently come back to the present and for joining us and sharing your time and space.