Updated: Jan 18, 2021
I feel some relief having written a letter to my ego yesterday. My words feel like a release of sorts; opening the door to let in some light. Otherwise, it’s easy for ego to hide and pretend it’s not there. My thoughts, my feelings and my focus become tangled up into distraction. But I am paying attention. My awareness is heightened because life is heightened. I acknowledge my duality – ego and spirit.
Yesterday alone more news of Covid cases within my circle of friends. Making a decision to go to the store or even for a walk takes consideration, weighing the risks and diving in. I feel limited and bound by my fears.
I’m taking time to reach out to those I’ve lost touch with. Small gifts of kindness go a long way, small gifts to myself and small gifts to others. I enjoy the blessings of a handwritten card, a friendly email and phone call. I’m taking creative time using my hands and focusing on beauty and it feels good. I’m part of the pool, not on the sidelines.
Life gets really crusty when my fear turns into a wall and I go around in circles. I’ve witnessed this pattern before and remedy it by taking some small action and freeing myself from this self-imposed crust. Yesterday I went for a walk, a half-mile, masked, earbuds and focusing on my body, my heart, my good. Not a long walk. My body is tender, folded in half most of the time.
So I’m grateful I acknowledge you, ego-mind. I’m grateful I acknowledge you, my body. I’m grateful I acknowledge you, my soul. I’m grateful. Gratefulness opens my door to awareness which opens my door to mindfulness and mindfulness opens my door to my breath. Breath is prayer. Breath is intention. It gives me room for more, to endure more with patience, kindness, acceptance and love.
If I am afraid to change
I will change into a person
who runs from growth,
Snips her wings for fear of flight
Then curses the sky into which she cannot fly.
So you see, I will change anyway
If I decide not to change.
If I stay where it’s familiar –
A “comfort zone” – I will soon find
It is not comfortable at all.
There is barely room for my heart to beat
But I have known it for so long, I won’t leave.
As pain beats down from all sides
I push it back to the perimeter,
Finding it’s getting smaller
And smaller still, my life becomes,
Squeezed to a pinpoint to fit in the box
Of safety. You will die if you leave!
Fear takes what little space remains for breath.
I will die if I stay!
Today I choose to breathe
And then – slowly, oh so slowly,
The walls give out
And I am free!
During the meditation, I was thinking about hitting that wall and then expanding, expanding like a balloon so that wall is expandable material, like the Grinch’s heart expands three or four times. Our love can expand way beyond where we think it can. It’s porous enough. It can expand beyond us into the world. That was really pleasant.
I have my earphones on to block out any noise. It helps me feel safer somehow. There was a funny way my earphone was sitting so it created a creaking every time I breathed in and a creaking every time I breathed out. I started thinking about a boat that was creaking with the waves. Then I thought of a hammock being held by a tree and it creaking. I lost myself in that.
I did a little bit of tidying and didn’t know why. I had to nest before I sat. I put a flashlight away and I saw the stone I found on the beach about a month ago. I had done a meditation opening my root chakra and feeling that platform open up. So this stone called me today. During the meditation, I sat with the stone, breathing into it and feeling my root chakra open. I felt vitality in it in a way I haven’t felt in years. That’s one of the walls for me, the floor. I felt the intention to ground myself. There are some walls I want to intentionally strengthen. That’s one of them. I’ve been hearing things about rocks, and everything having its own energy. I want to appreciate the stone, my pelvic stone.
Thank you. I was drawn to the breath which led me to the element of air. Usually, I meditate with my eyes closed. Today, it’s very windy, and I was drawn to look out the window and watch the trees move in the wind. I remember when I was little, I used to think the trees made the wind. It felt like a dance, that I was moving with them. My breath, the wind, the trees. I felt a part of it all. Thank you.
Thank you. That was a powerful reading. I love the poem. I love the idea we are caught in a cage, a prison, where we can’t see it. We don’t know we are in it but we are in it. I love the way the poem talks about our fear of change keeping us in it. I challenge myself to see the walls around me and to release them. I don’t know what it takes to do that. You say to keep breathing. I think it’s awareness, to believe just as we can believe the unseen is there and we can go beyond our senses when we accept that. There is more around us than we can perceive. I thank you for this message today.
I’ve been practicing so long to get beyond my fear that I almost smell it when it’s there. I feel it and recognize it and have to break through it. That’s why I named it a crust, like I have to break through it. Which is what that little walk did for me yesterday. It helps free me.
What you were saying about being constricted in a small place, I feel that so much. Part of it is from Covid, but it’s also my feeling that I’ve lost abilities. The energy, the motivation to do things I should be doing. I feel more constricted. I was listening to the tick of a battery-operated clock, the clickety-click of my cat’s claws on the floor, the sound of his eating cat food, the wind, a beautiful bird outside that sounds like Spring. I love the sound of the wind, it bathes me. I’m so grateful to be able to hear because I rest in all those sounds.
I’ve been watching the trees in the wind the entire time during the meditation. The acrobatics of squirrels blew my mind. They jump from tree to tree. They are amazing. It reminded me that I used to be so bothered by the wind. When I was outside and it was blowing my hair, it seemed like a bother to me. When I started a spiritual practice, I learned that the wind is cleansing. On a blustery day I go outside and throw my hands up in the air and let the wind blow through me and let it take away all the negative. Now I love the wind. Just the sound of it tells me it is cleansing things. It’s funny how you can change your perspective on something.
I went through a period where I really appreciate the wind. I’d video the wind going through the trees. I realized I didn’t know what causes the wind. I looked it up. The wind is the Earth’s way of seeking balance. When things are out of balance, it tries to balance it out. Balance and harmony. I love that feeling. Yes, we have to tilt this way a little bit and that way a little bit.
Thank you. It’s just amazing to hear the different thoughts, different viewpoints, different experiences. It creates such a richness. Thank you for sharing them and sharing your space and your time and gifting yourself this time. It’s an honoring of ourselves and we do it together. I hope you all have a gentle day.