I called him an old friend, but I’m not sure “friend” can describe him. He was definitely male, stood erect, alert and had a keen eye. His expectations were very high. I was afraid of him. He watched my every move, often reminding me what to do next, say next, expect next, always with a negative expectation on life. It felt like he directed my every move with the pressure of his thumb on the pulse of my heart. In the early 90’s I began a two-year training as a Psychosynthesis counselor. We used ourselves to understand personal growth gazing through a tri-focal lens of body/mind/spirit. This training is where I met my General.
As I learned about myself and my various subpersonalities, I met him as we practiced ‘pillow talk’ trying to understand why I was so hard on myself. He was a simple pillow sitting in a chair opposite me, and I talked to him, realizing we both had the same goals, to help me be happy. Time has passed and the pressure has lessened in his expectations, and still I understand the behavior all stemmed from love for me. We are both on the same side of the table with two different ways of being. Over the past 40 years I have learned to love myself, accept myself and trust myself. I have learned to live in expectancy instead of expectation.
Today we walk together. He’s learned to ease up and I’ve learned to accept self-love.
Walking Meditation – poem by Thich Nhat Hanh
“Take my hand.
We will walk.
We will only walk.
We will enjoy our walk
without thinking of arriving anywhere.
Walk peacefully.
Walk happily.
Our walk is a peace walk.
Our walk is a happiness walk.
Then we learn
that there is no peace walk;
that peace is the walk;
that there is no happiness walk;
that happiness is the walk.
We walk for ourselves.
We walk for everyone
always hand in hand.
Walk and touch peace every moment.
Walk and touch happiness every moment.
Each step brings a fresh breeze.
Each step makes a flower bloom under our feet.
Kiss the Earth with your feet.
Print on Earth your love and happiness.
Earth will be safe
when we feel in us enough safety.”
Participants’ Reflections:
• We're all in this together. Want to keep this going
• Happiness walk. So much of my life not in moment. Am learning to look for small miracles, bird, sunshine, our connection. Growing up I was in survival mode and missed things
• Expectancy vs expectation. Expectation is premeditated resentment
• Coming to terms with the critic. Had to be busy as a child. Learning spinning wheels isn't doing anything. Practice of just sitting is powerful
• Traveling with expectations creates disappointment. With expectancy creates joy
• Gratitude
• We are not stuck at home, we are safe at home.
• Coming to terms with what makes me happy, not relaxing into me. I like to model, and understanding self is important
• Grew up with authoritative father. I was my worst enemy. I'm learning to love self.
• Envision self with love
• One word can change things. Safe vs stuck. Expectation vs expectancy
• Prayers for all healthcare and other workers