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My House

There is something wonderfully comforting when I know what to expect day to day. I’m grateful to be living in the same place for several years now. After my spouse transitioned in 2006, I transitioned out of Massachusetts having sold my family home. I left town, geographic cure if you will, change of scenery. I arrived in California as planned and proceeded to experience such upheaval. My kinesthetic body had no bearings. My inner compass had no true north.

For the next 15-18 years, between California and Massachusetts, I moved six times to different apartments and houses making adjustments for comfort, safety, financial security finally landing where I am now. I value the usual.

As I continue to learn about myself, I recognize I reside solidly in my body. I live in a kinesthetic body. I’m one of those touchy feeling people who values hugging, holding hands and cuddling. I also process emotions and stimulation through my body, my muscles and especially my nervous system. My physical nervous system.

As a psychic medium, I’ve also learned I interface with my environment through my spiritual nervous system or my chakra system. As Mary Mueller Shutan points out, the spiritual nervous system is a “spiritual super-highway controlling our bodies on everything from a spiritual to a very physical level.”

I’m humbled by the innate intelligence of my physical body and my spiritual body. A vessel my soul lives in while learning lessons on this earth.

So, I wasn’t surprised last night when the spasms started in my upper back. Emotions were screaming through energy highways. Covid is in my daughter’s house. I received the phone call just before bed and immediately my breathing changed. Pressures building like little pockets of panic and started forming in my back, my head and my stomach.

I’m not a medical professional. I am a ME professional who has studied, researched and documented my findings from living in my body over six decades. My body is an amazing creation that harbors so much information, assimilates input and reacts with reflexes.

I was taught to believe my brain in my head is in charge. In reality, there is so much more going on. My brain may be a warehouse of neurons that are in charge of my physical body, but it is equally accompanied by my heart that holds wisdom, assimilates input and is the central hub of my spiritual body. And then there’s the second brain, located in my gut. I am learning gut’s language. We’ve been living in the same house but ignoring each other. We’re committed to repairing our relationship. I’m curious to know what other language I need to learn.

I’ve taken these intense learning courses that have focused on communication, reactions, assimilation and acceptance all in the form of living my life. My soul has my course plan. My humanness is the student attending classes. There is no pass fail, only experience that is gathered. Sometimes I need to repeat a class to get the full experience. Graduation always happens through the levels layer by layer.

My job today is to stay with my body, monitor my breathing, steady with my thoughts and when I veer off, because I will, I will bring myself gently back to start again. It’s my job to be present. It’s my job to pray.

Sometimes, you need the ocean light,

and colours you’ve never seen before

painted through an evening sky.

Sometimes you need your God

to be a simple invitation,

not a telling word of wisdom.

Sometimes you need only the first shyness

that comes from being shown things

far beyond your understanding,

so that you can fly and become free

by being still and by being still here.

And then there are times you need to be

brought to ground by touch

and touch alone.

To know those arms around you

and to make your home in the world.

just by being wanted.

To see those eyes looking back at you,

as eyes should see you at last,

seeing you, as you always wanted to be seen,

seeing you, as you yourself

had always wanted to see the world.

Participants’ Reflections:

  • Thank you so much for this reflection. I related to a great deal of it. The combination of our physical body and our spiritual/emotional circumstances really rang true for me. They seem to be inseparable. I was thinking, I’m sorry to hear about your daughter. I hope they weather things with as little misery as possible. I remember when my nephew’s family got it. I went into a fear place and got out photos and cried. I remember the initial kneejerk reaction. They are fully recovered. I wrap you in light as you live this chapter with them. And thank you for the poem. It spoke to me in multiple places. A line that jumped out is ‘it is my job to pray.’ During the meditation, I sat with that sentence and realized I have a friend having surgery. I got up and lit a candle. Thank you very much.

  • My heart is with you. Just before the meditation, I sat quietly remembering. It’s been happening for a couple of days with my body. Your reading and message were perfect because I’ve been trying to have memories of being younger and of making decisions about my life figuring out where that ego brain got some of its patterns, you know, that itty-bitty-shitty-committee. And I got that the answers are in the body. Walking has been coming to me during the meditation. During today’s meditation, I was walking back and forth. And suddenly, I was very small in my grandmother’s arms. I could see the room. What is amazing is that staying with the body’s feelings allowed me to walk around in my house and I could see her furniture and the family then. I’ve been asking for these memories and they were so vivid. I took a stroll through my life, from ages three to 11. And memories that I had lost, I just knew they were true. I felt a grandmother energy with me, walking through, holding. It was nice. Your message to me was that if I get quiet, my body knows. That heart center, that other brain that you talked about, it knows and has all my answers if I can just stand still, be quiet, go in, and listen. So thank you.

  • I’ll be praying for you and your daughter’s family. I definitely believe that our body remembers, wherever it’s stored, trauma and good experiences. I am a loving person and like to give nice hugs. No way to do that right now. You mentioned eyes. Thank god for the kitties and their comfort and their beautiful eyes. A few months ago, I had an organic delicata squash and I scooped out the seeds and put them out on the sill hoping some animal would come by and a brave squirrel did. I could watch him through the window enjoying the seeds. I was looking into his eyes, he didn’t flinch. Even though a tree doesn’t have eyes, it has its soul that we can look on and look into. All the other beings in nature too. Those eyes, whatever form they are in can be a source of comfort and understanding. Thank you.

  • It reminds me when I was in a workshop with Kevin Ryerson. He said that if you have a cat and the cat sheds hair, every hair that comes off that cat is a little crystal that holds a healing light. I never forgot that. When we see hairs floating through a beam of light, each one is a tiny crystal. It’s amazing. Thank you.

  • I am reminded of yesterday’s reading about just being, just being as beautiful as a tree. That’s my goal for today. During the meditation, I sent and received healing light for your daughter and her family. I filled their house with light. We have to not be in the future, not in the past, just here right now and to pray. Our only job is to pray.

  • Thank you. I just want to say your tears are beautiful for us to see. I love the phrase ‘I see you.’ My friend has an ability to see me with her inner eyes. I always hope we can do that for each other.

  • The trees have an intelligence beyond our understanding. They witness us, beyond my brain’s capacity to imagine. It’s nice to know that.

  • Thank you so much. I am sending much healing to you and your family. Thank you for your meditation. It was beautiful. You mentioned the chakras and energy. One of the things so true about trees is that their roots are digging into the earth. As a species, we used to walk connected to the earth but not so much anymore. One of the things I do to help me ground is sit on a grounding mat during the meditation. You can buy one or even make one. It’s a way to help ground us. Especially for empaths, it’s important to not hold on to all that comes at us and let it flow through us. The best way is to let it exit into the ground. There is a fiery core in the Earth. We can send all this stuff down into the Earth.

  • Thank you for joining me on this day’s journey. Thank you for listening. Thank you for sharing your thoughts, your heart, your wisdom. It’s an incredible feeling to not feel alone. I am grateful for that. Because we aren’t alone. We can get stuck in feeling alone but we are not alone. I spend this day present, praying, and feeling this community with me as I hope you do as well. I hope you all have a gentle day.

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