Every morning I sit in silence, trusting I’ll be led to words I write or words already written. I’m reminded of the ebb and flow of breath, of energy, of seasons, of life. I challenge myself to the task of discerning what I am feeling and what I am picking up of the collective emotion during this pandemic. Sometimes this is palpably clear as tears flow down my face without knowledge of where they come from. Other times my heart pulses with pain of my own doing. I remember now without prompting I am empathic. I feel deeply and it’s okay. My inner struggle is over having folded it into acceptance of who I am. I remember now to ask myself what I need. I choose not to abandon myself in my struggle. I remember now to stand with proudness for my wounds and scars carrying useful lessons for my growth. I remember now to bring myself back to the present where I am safe.
A friend of mine shared this poem with me several years ago. When I originally read it, a deep stirring of truth rang through me.
by Mike Dakota
One night, wandering in the darkness,
near the edge of dreams,
a Goddess came, in a shower of light
and revealed her thoughts to me.
She said, “Does the sun need to see its own reflection
to know that it burns strong?
Do not be deceived,
by looking into others
for what they are accepting.
An image in a mirror
can only show something that has been.
“And you flower in the present,
not the future, not the past.
Your light grows dim and loses strength
shining forward or shining back.
“The power is in the present,
it’s the focal point of time.
So, concentrate the energy
in your mind.”
I heard “I am a certain way and that's okay”. Being ourselves is okay, That’s our best selves. You spoke of seeing ourselves reflected. It’s good to be choosy about the people we are with, not with people that judge us. Better to get light from people. I am uniting with more people during this pandemic through this technology, my universe is expanding.
This was a good meditation. I feel sad. My friend lost 2 brothers in five days. She is family, and I can’t comfort her. It’s hard to know what to do. There was a funeral procession that she liked. It was so quick. During the meditation, I sent her love on my breath. I'm here for her.
We lean into each other.
I was struck by the awe of two funerals. These things are happening because of asymptomatic carriers. There is such irony in what we are going through: the people we love and reach out to are killing us. This will be food for thought for years for philosophers, how we reconcile this.
It will take a long time to parse it all out. We are living through intense times. We will get more information in the future.
What was true then is not true now.
The world we knew growing up is no longer. Giving ourselves time and gentleness is important.
Thank you for the reading. During the meditation, it was difficult to stay in the present. Last night, I dreamt about being in my house and a room was on fire. I needed to put on my sweat pants. I kept looking for them while the fire raged. I couldn’t escape without them. By the end, the fire had gone out. I think it represents my worry about wearing my mask correctly, not wanting to harm my family or clients. The fire is there, all around us. It’s good to stay in the present.
The house is our self. I sleep with teeth gritted. Dreams tell us where we are
I was struck by the words “power in present”. And the idea of the power being dispersed if we push it into past. Usually I don’t look at myself when I talk, and zoom is great as a reflection. Can see how we come across to others.
During the meditation, I saw an image of the sun shining and with lots of clouds behind it. We don’t see that normally; usually the sun is behind the clouds. I interpreted it as the clouds are dark times and the light, the rays are on top. The sun is still there. Powerful.
I heard this poem I shared today. The author had read it in modesty, and I was moved by how articulate it is. He is making a difference in this world.