Week 95 - Sitting in the Power

Self-Abandonment

National holidays are always hard because of memories of what was not possible or can no longer be. Families gather. Celebrations. Partying. I have to approach every day with self-care, and holidays are no different.

 I reached the core of my pain this week, my core named self-abandonment. I have been scrutinizing self-abandonment recognizing it as the black hole I fall into time and time again. I give in to the strong impulses of body memories and the insatiable pull of helping others while leaving myself behind in the dust.

I grew up in a house where respect for one another was not in our vocabulary, and learned my presence was a burden to adults around me, and unless I gave myself away in some form, I might as well have been invisible.

My inherent lack of self-worth has been plaguing me all my life and, I believe, created a metaphorical crack in my foundation of who I Am. I reached the core of my pain this week, my core named self-abandonment. Through an experience I put myself in, I experienced with open eyes how I abandoned my own needs over the needs of others, all under the  guise of doing service. I stepped beyond my boundaries.

Personal growth is so difficult and cracks can be repaired. I have not given up, though I am deeply shaken.  

Below are excerpted highlights of a great article I found written by Terri Cole, a licensed psychotherapist on the 10 signs of self-abandonment. The link is below for all the details.

10 Signs of Self-Abandonment by Terri Cole

#1: Disordered boundaries. Can people talk you into doing things you don’t want to do? Do you say yes when you want to say no? These are examples of self-abandoning behaviors when your boundaries are too loose.

#2: Second guessing. When you need to make a decision, can you trust your gut, or do you listen to what someone else says you should do? Letting others decide for you has an element of self-abandonment because if it doesn’t turn out how you want, you’re the only person on the hook for it.

#3: Disease to please. When you’re a people pleaser, you don’t speak up out of fear of confrontation. Beyond prioritizing other people’s wants and needs above your own, you apologize even when you’re not sorry or when you’re mad. Apologizing becomes a way of getting through life because it smooths things over. For many women, saying I’m sorry is a way to prevent trouble.

#4: Perfectionism. Many people think perfectionism means wanting your work to be exactly right, but it’s also about being devoted to a perfect outcome and not caring what it takes to reach it.

#5: Inner mean committee. Having a caustic inner voice, calling yourself an idiot, or talking harshly to yourself all the time scratches away at your self-worth. You wouldn’t use this language or tone with a child you loved, right?

#6: Lack of self-care and self-consideration. Self-consideration looks like asking yourself whether you have the bandwidth to do something before agreeing to it. It also looks like asking, “Do I want to?” If we’re self-abandoning, “I don’t want to” doesn’t seem like a good enough reason.

#7: Being a chameleon. Changing your personal values to others to make sure they like you. Shapeshifting takes a lot of bandwidth, though.

#8: Self-numbing. Self-abandoning can look like self-numbing with drugs, alcohol, Netflix binges, or hours of reality television.

#9: Self-betrayal. Our job is to do what serves our highest and best good. When we do things we know are wrong to please others and gain approval, we betray ourselves. This doesn’t mean we don’t compromise; self-betrayal is more about going against your ethics, values, or self-interest.

#10: Codependency. Codependent behavior involves doing more than your share, over-functioning to the point where other people in your life under-function, and feeling overly responsible for the feeling states, outcomes, experiences, relationships, and finances of the people in your life to the detriment of your internal peace. It’s an overt or covert bid to control other people’s outcomes, and it is exhausting.