Week 94 - Sitting in the Power

INTROSPECTION

In a conversation yesterday , the word “introspection” came up. Introspection is the examination of one's own conscious thoughts and feelings.

In looking back throughout my life, I can see my emotional/spiritual journey began with therapy after my daughter was born. Her diagnosis of pediatric liver disease catapulted me into my introspective journey.

This journey began as an observer doubting what I see and hear. I was amazed I had so many inside opinions when I lvalued other opinions over my own.

Using the metaphor of a stage and audience, if I imagine myself on the stage, I can also see I'm in the audience. As my awareness deepened, I discovered I lived in my outside world and witnessed my inside cacophony. I uncovered chaos, doubt, fear, disempowerment and most of all, an emptiness not yet defined by me. The audience is busy watching the show called me and I am the critic, the one with the rotten tomatoes.

Asking myself if I am in the audience again helps me recognize where I am in the moment and helps guide me to my next step.  Get out of the audience!  

I built my audience long ago as a child living in a toxic home full of judgment, pain and blame. I developed my audience participation because it helped me feel safe. I watched and controlled my every move, thought, emotion and the habit was born.

Changing a habit is hard. Over and over I catch myself in the audience observing again, the red flag is waving furiously. I now recognize what it represents. I remember to get back on stage, love me, gentle me, help me navigate myself back to my center.

I’ve spent So much time At war with 

Myself, I have Forgotten

I am the walls of my home

Forgive her, and she Will forgive you, too

No matter how many times You asked her to break 

 —my relationship with my body —Wilder