Week 93 - Sitting in the Power

Commitment

I have learned it takes making a commitment to change my behavior, and at times I find myself unwilling to take a stand for myself. Maybe it is my inner teenager rebelling against the authority which is me. Maybe it is a lack of discipline. Maybe because I just don’t want to.

Early morning while just awake, I built a habit to review where I am, what is happening and what I need to do.

I have learned to listen beyond the commentary going on in my head. I have learned to ask questions and sometimes I don’t know the answer, but still ask the question anyway.

·      What is it I need?

·      What am I feeling?

·      What do I want?

·      What am I reacting to?

I learned in childhood to ignore my wants and needs, reactions and fears. I ignored myself and blended in to get along and definitely not make any waves. So I trained myself to ignore my insides and be who I needed to be in order to be safe. I became a master at it.

Life is about learning, adopting actions and beliefs that may work in childhood and do not work as an adult.  Using therapy, and many other supportive behavioral modalities, I pulled aside the iron curtain that kept my inside world hidden.

A major learning for me this week began several weeks ago when I was reminded by a wise woman to pay attention to what part of me is judging me for what I am NOT doing. That wise woman gave me the insight to realize my 40-year-old self was demanding my 73 year old self be more agile, fit and flexible. Who is the imposter here?

Obviously, the imposter is my 40-year-old self judging my 73-year-old body and making demands on me I cannot meet. I am not being fair to me.

As life happens, with the losses, challenges and heartaches, my desire to be happier became stronger and stronger. My inner reservoir of strength started drying up and I found myself in a corner where I had to do the one thing I resisted.

Listen.

I set aside my judgments and really heard what I was saying and gathered the knowledge that I am my best advocate.

I do my utmost best to rise to what I need in any given moment.

I am the parent I always wanted.

I am the best friend who never was there for me.

I am the protector who knows exactly when to step in.

I am the wise crone waiting by the fire.

I am the student always asking.

I am the patient teacher.

I am the vessel that houses me, and I honor it.

I am the sufferer who has learned to forgive.

When I fall down, I get up.

When I’m fearful, I comfort.

When I’m wrong, I right it.

When I am ill, I am open to healing for my highest and best good.

I live in my visible human body

And also in my invisible spiritual body.

I commit to and trust the

kaleidoscope I am.