Week 90 - Sitting in the Power

 Nudges

Early in the morning with my eyes open, I can see a bookshelf on the other side of my bedroom. My eyes have been drawn to a specific book, and day after day, I ignore the nudge. This has been happening most of this week, until this morning I opened the book.

Nudges happen every day as our minds flit from one thought to another. Our minds are so busy, we learn to ignore the ongoing commentary, but we have wisdom within. We also have a lot of useless commentary, fearful insights, painful memories and the lists go on and on.

We guide how we respond to our challenges by our thoughts. Our thoughts are not just nonsense. They offer a buffet of choices we can use including wisdom and guidance. We just have to sift through the commentary, ignore the unhelpful stuff and listen closely. 

Our inner thoughts help us respond to our outer challenges. The inner judgments that we hear do not serve our higher purpose.  Our inner judgments keep us disempowered unable to access our inner guidance and wisdom. If our inner thoughts do not help us respond to our challenges in a kind and loving manner, it doesn’t deserve our attention.

This book, written by Parker Palmer, a writer, teacher and activist, entitled Let My Life Speak held this message this morning:

“Imagine that from early in my life, a friendly figure, standing a block away, was trying to get my attention by shouting my name, wanting to teach me some hard but healing truths about myself. But I – fearful of what I might hear or arrogantly trying to live without help or simply too busy with my ideas and ego and ethics to bother – ignored the shouts and walked away.”

“So this figure, still with friendly intent, came closer and shouted more loudly, but I kept walking. Ever closer it came, close enough to tap me on the shoulder, but I walked on. Frustrated by my unresponsiveness, the figure threw stones at my back, then struck me with a stick, still wanting simply to get my attention. But despite the pain, I kept walking.”

“Over the years, the befriending intent of this figure never disappeared but became obscured by the frustration caused by my refusal to turn around. Since shouts and taps, stones and sticks had failed to do the trick, there was only one thing left: drop the nuclear bomb called depression on me, not with the intent to kill but as a last-ditch effort to get me to turn and ask the simple question, “What do you want?” When I was finally able to make that turn – and start to absorb and act on the self-knowledge that then became available to me – I began to get well.”

I learned long ago that my thoughts make up my actions and beliefs. If I am judging every move I make with doom and gloom, that outlook is the lens I function from in my life. It is exhausting.

If I can muster up an inner cheerleader, somehow creating a presence inside that is rooting for me, helping me make decisions and find helpful guidance, that will be the lens I look through. I am not talking toxic positivity. I am talking about envisioning a loving presence inside.  

I’m remembering a specific message I heard over 20 years ago. The gist of the message is to realize the rocks we hold in our armpits, the thoughts and beliefs that hold us back, that limit self-acceptance.  The rocks become real jagged lumps under our armpits, secured there by the weight of our arm. Letting the rock go could be as simple as a choice of easing up on ourselves and lifting our arm, just by making the choice with intention.

So when I struggle, and I do struggle, I remember to listen. Are my inner thoughts pulling me down with judgment and disregard for my wellbeing, or are they helpful? I imagine a jagged rock in my armpit and make the decision to let it go. I give myself an intervention. I have a right to cultivate a zone within my mind that is loving instead of hating.