Week 92 - Sitting in the Power

Held Together

I am held together by my living daughter and her family. I am held together by my wife. I am held together by crafty things. I am held together with movies. I am held together with puzzles and aromas and cooking. I am held together by grounding that keep me in the now. I am held together with technology, zoom meetings and the telephone. I am held together with my intentions. I practice kindness and choose to focus on gratitude.

I make choices how I experience fear. Sometimes fear makes the choice for me. I find my way back to love.

It's been six months since I started trauma-based therapy. I have moved through years of childhood pain one therapy session at a time, decompensating and assimilating. I slog through this process.

Some days I tiptoe across a tightrope so I don’t disturb my triggers. Every day I make choices to stay centered. Some days I am successful and some days I am not.  Sometimes I freeze in fear. On those days I go back to what holds me together.

Every moment is a choice. I choose not to abandon myself, a new behavior I am learning to employ. My default is to disappear from me and hide. I remember I am safe and I have choices. I may choose to sit in fear and if I do, I limit my time. I give fear a voice. I feel it fully and then move on.  I find my way back. Redirect. Refocus. Reset. Begin again.

In the most difficult days, I find moments of joy.

In the most joyful days, I find moments of fear.

Day to day weaving happens with my choices. Mindfulness is my palette with colors and patterns. I know my way back to center as I have traveled it many times.  My tools to hold together help focus and serve me.

The most important tool I use is to choose not to give up. There are times I may not think I am worth fighting for, but my kids are worth fighting for. Helping others is worth fighting for.

 I learned a long time ago, any failure I have experienced has a lesson in it that helps me with the future and I find myself again because I will forget. I will be discouraged. I will be scared.  I will feel lost, stupid and out of control.  

Bottom line is I am worth the struggle because I matter.

You are worth the struggle because you matter.

What others have said is only hot air coming out of their wounded souls.

The only truth is my truth. That is my stand.

Because the truth is I am holding myself together.