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I Find IT Within

Sometimes I have a three-ring circus going in my head. It’s hard to say this out loud because I’d rather share my wisdom and inner calmness. I spend a lot of time in my inner world and less in my outer world. As a psychic medium, a lot goes on inside and I am busy processing, sorting, ignoring and listening. Then of course, there’s my observer following me and I can’t forget my little girl jumping up and down wanting to get my attention over this and that. I should add the stern general who had a more prominent position and now has relaxed a lot. My parents’ voices were present for a while but they faded too.

As I have healed traumas, misunderstandings and hurts from my life, I’ve welcomed my inside characters. I listen to them, comfort them, problem solve with them, and just be with them as I move about my day. Some days I am busy with tasks that require my full adult and other days I look to play. No matter whether I use my skills as a psychic medium or a housekeeper, my inner world is busy.

Yesterday, we talked about our human ability to hold more than one focus at a time, and sometimes the focus can be opposite each other. I went for years feeling out of control on the inside and seemed to be in control on the outside. I spent so much time crying on the inside. Then there is the raging and ultimate sadness.

I want to be heard. When I am listened to, I feel heard. When I feel heard, I feel more present. When I am present, I more fully participate in life. It’s a repeating circle as I loop through life.

When I deny myself my right to be heard, everything gets messed up. The circular flow of my presence falls off track and I feel lost.

I was taught to find my true love outside of myself who would fulfill my inner needs. love me; validate me; listen to me; honor me; believe me. My exhaustive search concluded my true love is me. I fulfill my own needs. I love me. I validate me. I listen to me. I honor me. I believe me. All the rest is icing on the cake. I am the cake.

I am a spiritual being in a human body. As I age, my focus seems to be more towards my spiritual being and less on my human body. It was the opposite growing up.

Life experiences, most always painful, are the bridges connecting me to my spiritual nature. I seek solace and support. I find it within. I seek acceptance and validation. I find it within. I seek wisdom and guidance. I find it within.

Relationships help us see our own behavior. Otherwise, how would we see what we do unless it’s demonstrated right in front of us?

I wish someone told me these insights when I was younger, though I probably wouldn’t have believed them. Life experience proves itself when we feel it inside our own skin. Our learnings happen in our body, in our mind, in our heart and in our soul.

I accept my three-ring circus. I laugh at my inside antics. Some days I run the other way in denial or emotional pain, and in the end, I come back to me who is always there.

Participants’ Reflections:

  • Thank you so much for what you wrote today. It sounded like the epitome of human discourse with our inner self. I say the word discourse because, for me, it’s almost like the different aspects of my personality are like students in a classroom raising their hands. Wait, wait, my judge wants to talk to me, my leader wants to talk to me, my little inner child wants to talk to me. I want to be heard and I think every aspect inside wants to be heard as well. I’m learning to turn to that aspect of who I am and listen to what is trying to be said, let my observer do that. And then, when I listen to each aspect of me, calm that and love that. I’ve learned, especially during the pandemic, to let that flow and let each aspect of me be heard. You’ve been talking about coming home. Your writing today raises the question for me about coming home. When you are home you feel safe and you listen to each person inside that home. I’m just learning that that’s a part of coming into the core of my own beingness honoring all those dimensions that will always exist until the day we die. I thought it was a beautiful writing and it brought me peace and understanding today.

  • Thank you so much. As you were speaking, it reminded me of a hypnosis technique called parts therapy. The hypnotherapist talks to all your different parts. It’s known we have these different parts. The hypnotist will encourage each part to talk. If you don’t listen to each of the parts, you get in trouble because that part will wind up having a temper tantrum. It’s really good to check in with your three-ring circus parts and find out what they need and want to say.

  • I really appreciated this. Thank you for the wonderful writing. I was identifying, during the meditation, the different parts. I identified the disgruntled wife, disappointment and anger and sadness at the changes. I realized, as I do often when I’m uncomfortable owning something what I have shame about, I block me and stop me. I found myself going in that direction, what a bad person I am, captures how I feel when I feel this way. It’s not loving, it’s not compassionate. It’s momentary. I have to work hard to let go of the shame, and provide some other framework for experiencing this. That’s how my reflection was, and I moved to other parts of me that I can’t pay attention to right now, like my creative self.

  • I’ve been taking a dream workshop and there are six questions we can ask the different characters in our dreams to help them reveal themselves to us. It occurred to me we can do that with the parts of ourselves. First, identify who I am - I am the child. Second, what is my purpose. Third, what do I like - I like such and such as a child. Fourth, what do I I dislike? I dislike this part of this child. Fifth, what do I fear most about being this? Sixth, what do I desire most about being this? And finally, what message do you have for yourself? We could do the same thing with the parts of ourselves, and learn a lot.

  • Thank you. What I focused on was about not being heard. I’m also doing dreamwork. It’s been amazing. This week I’ve been looking at not being heard, not having a voice, and being invisible from my childhood and hiding. And the journey I’ve been on to have a voice and be heard. In my 20s, I didn’t have much of a voice and I became part of a community. When we had meetings, there was a speaking rock. I had to reach for it physically and have permission to speak. I didn’t have the courage to just say something. It was transforming for me. I’m doing a lot of work right now on my voice and being invisible and what that whole journey was about. So thank you.

  • The line that stood out for me was in the end, what I come back to is me. After listening and exploring and being open, we remain rooted in our hearts in who we are at that core level. It takes a while to explore it, understand it, and accept it. We’re getting back to trees, with the roots.

  • I feel like I’m repeating myself. This group has helped me experiment with a new voice. I’ve been trying to just be true to my feelings and express them in a new way. When I do that, I think of all of you and feel like I am leaning into the wall. Thank you.

  • I worry about saying the same thing over and over. It’s laced with life experiences but it always comes back to me. I want to thank you for bringing awareness the other day using the word ‘but’ and changing it to ‘and’. I thought about it today as I wrote. It’s takes awareness how many times we use the word “but” in a sentence and in a day.

  • Thank you for listening to me. Thank you for being part of this circle of awareness, this macrocosm of microcosms. Thank you for taking time for yourself, listening to yourself, having patience with yourself, and gently being with yourself because we have a lot to say inside and deserve to be heard. It helps to ease up the pain and helps us move forward. I hope you all have a gentle day. Thank you so much.

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