Week 109 - Sitting in the Power

Send a Bubble of Love

I enjoy noise cancelling headphones. No music. No talking. Just silence. The headphones block out all sound. As I breathe, I am with myself. I hear my heart beating. I hear my breathing. I am present in my body observing me observe me.

Of course, my mind wanders.  I wonder what am I doing today? What am I grateful for?  I avoid stinking thinking and stay with helpful thoughts. I scan my physical body. I am not worrying about anything at the moment. I haven’t picked up the worries yet. Some days I can’t put them down.

I remember conversations with my mother years ago when my kids were about 10 and 12.  She always worried incessantly about me, about my divorce, about my girls, especially about my chronically-ill daughter.  Granted, we had a lot going on, but she seemed to focus on all the worries and problems in my life.  I felt inadequate in my life because she worried so much.

Worry has weight. Worry pulls energy down. If I could put a color and texture on worry, it would be dark gray and stick to my hands like a cobweb, drape like a veil, and it would weigh more than light. Worry blocks out light.

I imagine when someone worries, the energy of worry travels by the speed of light towards the situation or person the worry is intended. It drapes over the intended receiver. It’s hard to shake off.  It’s hard to deny its presence because worry is based on fear.  Fear spreads like a virus.

I tried again and again to explain to my mom how her worry did not help. It hindered me from believing I was strong enough, smart enough and savvy enough to negotiate my life and all its challenges. It hindered me from believing my daughter would survive. It hindered me from feeling support. All I could feel was worry.

So I learned to worry from a young age.  I believe it’s the gift that keeps on giving, passed down the line of loving parents concerned for their children.  Of devoted lovers concerned for safety. It’s all based on holding on to love by using fear.

Every time I deliver a warning like “be careful” or “drive careful” I’m passing on my worry.  I tend to worry more when I’m tired, not feeling well or triggered by an incident. Once worry starts, it opens up the worry door and in they come.

Reflecting on all the years raising my children, dealing with hospitals, doctors, medical professionals, educational professionals, and my own mental wellness, I’ve come to realize worrying is a language my mother used to express her love for me and my girls. She emoted love by laying on the worry.  Much like my father loving me with a language of stern domination and expected perfection.  Worry became a habit.

With awareness, I catch myself worrying. It’s so easy to fall into.  If I don’t worry, does that mean I don’t feel as deeply?  Can I find another way to express how deeply I feel for those I love? I want to say what I feel, not what I fear. I want my words delivered cleanly, not laced with worry.  To say I Love You more often. I am here for you. You’re doing a great job.  That is the gift I want to give to others.   Love is the emotion I want to spread like a virus.

So when the engine of worry starts up, remember the weight of worry is like a brick versus the weight of love which is like a feather. There is no comparison which energy feels better.