Week 108 - Sitting in the Power

MY ATTITUDE IS MY CHOICE

I feel like I am climbing out of a pit I fell into over a week ago. Life really can deliver a one-two punch sometime. In preparing my keynote due in less than a week, I stretch beyond my comfort zone which tightened up my back muscles so much so my back went out and I surrendered.

The Nor’easter hit, rain leaking in through the majority of our windows and we scrambled, moving, soaking up and dealing with the crazy storm that blew through our area. We surrendered, not so gracefully.

In the scrambling, my compromised leg that I fractured in four places in 2023, was pushed to an extreme and I have somehow reinjured it. I buckled in the pain and surrendered.

My mild cold turned into another major storm in my body and I was on my back for over a week and I surrendered.

Life can turn into a black hole really quickly.

We survived the storm and actually felt support as we washed and dried the myriads of towels and blankets provided by our community. Order has been somewhat regained, though there are still piles of stuff hurriedly pushed aside. We will get there.

The scrambling, the struggle, the pain and displacement of our stuff and my health and general order take its toll.  The question I pose to myself is, am I going to buy into the messages my inner child is wailing that says what did I do wrong? She feels punished, abandoned and lashed out at by the bad people in the world.

This keynote I am preparing to present in five days is for a conference on Aging Well. I have titled it - Transforming the Way we Age, Care and Leave a Legacy and my focus is on The Arc of my Life. I have survived so much as I have aged, including the loss of a partner in a fatal car accident and the loss of my daughter from a terrible disease.  Somehow I have overcome.

I find myself reflecting on this overcoming as I navigate away from the events last week. I can do this. I have done it. I will do it again. Pain is difficult to deal with. Suffering is horrible.

What is more horrible is getting caught up in feeling sorry for myself. Blaming myself for circumstances that happened. Judging myself for how I am handling it all, nitpicking decisions I really have no control over, and shaming myself for all the struggle. I hear my thoughts leaning to these meanderings and I U-turn. I won’t participate.

I learned decades ago the wrath I can inflict on myself by my inner thoughts. Dr. Susan Jeffers’ book published in the 80’s entitled Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway taught me, and reminds me again and again to be aware of my inner thoughts. How I talk to myself matters. Awareness is the first step.

No one deserves to be berated, belittled and abused into surrender. We all deserve to be gently cared for, respected and comforted by our inner words. We are, in fact, parenting ourselves from the inside out, no matter whether we had wonderful parents, terrible parents or no parents at all. And no matter my age, I am an adult and can direct the care, comfort and support when I choose.

Life is hard. Cruelty is around us as the world scrambles to right itself in the name of materialism and bigotry. But my inside world is my inner sanctum, and my attitude is my choice. My words are my choice to help me thrive the challenges and hardships.

I am not looking for accolades. I am hoping you remember to care, comfort and support you.

So be it.