January 31, 2023
I’ve got pockets of despair hidden inside me from this life, from past lives. I can’t figure out how that is possible, but I’ve learned to accept the unexplainable. Most every morning lately, I awake with a full bladder, uncomfortable and needing to be relieved. Immediately what comes to memory is my experience as a woman in a bank where hostages have been taken. I am one of the bystanders. I have black pants on and a light-colored top. I am terrified. Violent and sadistic, the terrorists are picking off bystanders one by one to leverage their position. I have to pee and am so uncomfortable it’s painful. I know if I pee in my pants it will show and smell. I know if I ask to use the bathroom it will be denied, and bringing attention to myself, I will die. Either way it’s a no-win situation. That’s all I remember.
I want this memory to disappear. I’m done with it and it has no useful purpose than
to teach me that the human body holds cellular memory that affects our minds, our hearts, our bodies potently. I acknowledge this experience and know without a doubt I am a survivor of a terrorist attack, though my body did not survive. My soul did as it moved on to another experience and one after another I learn from my experiences.
I am here in this life now, living in a world of war. The war is not filled with terrorists on the U.S. soil, though there are some people who live in that reality. The world is filled with terror from ignorance and hatred. There is rampant egoic harm done to innocent people every day. the disconnection of heart-centered consciousness is rampant, though I am surrounded by like-minded beings who live a heart-centered life, though sometimes I run into someone who is pretending and it hurts.
I am experiencing acceptance of this state of war and know living in the present moment is really all I have control over. I build my connection with Spirit and know my guides, angels, light workers and all other beings of light are surrounding me just as everyone else has these beings of support around them. If I keep myself calm, present, my mind not caught up in fear and my heart centered, I hear their communication. I see clues that help me stay safe. I feel guidance of direction and seek and find clarification when I don’t know what I’m doing or where I’m going. It's a tedious life for an aware human being, but it is what I am living at the moment.
I have a role to play. We all have a role to play. Sometimes our role is to clear our traumas. I want to play my role, but in reality, I am still clearing “stuff” out of my system. I am decompartmentalizing traumas and resolving confusion of false beliefs and traumas that created those false beliefs. I am doing major work on my emotional body and my intellectual body. Clearing and clearing and learning, discovering and understanding what my abilities are that I can offer to this broken world. In truth, I have some idea what I can offer but there’s more, always more as I trod through the morass of emotions, memories and limiting beliefs to break through to new beliefs and new experiences. I am grateful.