Week 69 - Sitting in the Power

LIFE IS NOT MY FAULT!

I made the hard decision to begin trauma-based therapy four weeks ago. The pot is stirred and life feels like a field of land mines. I am okay, if I take time to remember to grant myself space to recover after sessions and remember one moment at a time. I am accountable to my decisions and take action for change.

I have had enough physical pain in my life that I claimed “enough”. Life pissed me off a long time ago and I got angry but didn’t know what to do with my anger. I was six years old. I turned my anger inward as a way of coping and life happened. I am not willing to continue coping.

I grew up learning to love my neighbor as thyself. I never learned to love myself.  Life has a way of breaking us open. Pain is an incredible motivator for change.  My journey began over 73 years ago, and it continues to this day. I seek to discover, to accept and continue my navigation to peace and comfort.

I started out on this journey believing my body does the body stuff. My mind does the thinking. My heart feels love and hurt. My spirit is somewhere out there floating around. I never got how I am the whole vessel with all these parts functioning together.

Silence has helped find all my parts and pull them together into me. I have witnessed and befriended all the facets of my spirit, my body, my mind, my heart, my gut, my soul, and I am still learning.

I cannot believe it is now January of 2026. We just emerged through the great turning of the patriarchal calendar back to January. Talk of New Year’s resolutions are being buzzed around, but I am not buying into resolutions. I buy into my accomplishments and my discoveries.

I also honor the divine feminine calendar, following the real cycles through the equinox and solstice. The moon cycles and the astrological movements. This is a time of great change.

My ritual for this year holds a celebration of my accomplishments and my discoveries -- All in the name of who I am, not who I want to be.

Focusing on my accomplishments was fun as I remembered and documented all I did this year. But it was the discoveries that astounded me:

• Life is not my fault.

• My digestives problems are trauma based

• I have suffered foundational wounds and am addressing them

• No is a complete sentence

• I have lived behind a mask since I was six years old and am not willing to do so any longer.

Every day I am in recovery and recovery goes easier if I keep myself out of the audience and hold love in my heart instead of judgment and hate. If I have a hard time holding love to my heart, I hold inspiration which helps open the door to love.

My physical body and mind hold the wisdom of my years, and remember my self-care is based on compassion and understanding of what I need, not what judgments I have.

I use my intention and my commitment to continue in peace knowing this journey is really my life in action. I am paying attention. I am prioritizing my needs.  I am committed to learning and growing and sharing because I know I am not alone.

I have my inner love. I have my responsible adult within learned from the wisdom of hardship that acts as the beacon of light to move forward.  

For Those Who Have Far to Travel

A Blessing for Epiphany

—Jan Richardson, from Circle of Grace: A Book of Blessings for the Seasons

If you could seethe journey whole,

you might never undertake it,

might never dare

the first step

that propels you

from the place

you have known

toward the place

you know not.

Call it

one of the mercies

of the road:

that we see it

only by stages

as it opens

before us,

as it comes into

our keeping,

step bysingle step.

There is nothing

for it

but to go,

and by our going

Take the vows

The pilgrim takes:

to be faithful to

the next step;

to rely on more

than the map;

to heed the signposts

of intuition and dream;

to follow the star

that only you

will recognize;

to keep an open eye

for the wonders that

attend the path;

to press on

beyond distractions,

beyond fatigue,

beyond what would

tempt you

from the way.

There are vows

that only you

will know:

the secret promises

for your particular path

and the new ones

you will need to make

when the road

is revealed

by turns

you could not

have foreseen.

Keep them, break them,

make them again;

each promise becomes

part of the path,

Each choice creates

the road

that will take you

to the place

where at last

you will kneel

to offer the gift

most needed—the gift that only you

can give—before turning to go

home by

another way.