Week 106 - Sitting in the Power
The Arc of a Life (dedicated to my deceased daughter)
I have been exploring my life journey from a bird’s eye view for twelve years. This is my journey and no one else’s. And yet I witness that we all suffer.
My deceased daughter plays a major role in my journey. She broke me open. My living daughter plays a major role as well, and walks the earth to this day.
When my deceased daughter was born 45 years ago, her mystery began when she was diagnosed with pediatric liver disease.
I gave all of myself to help her. I was already compromised when she was born, brought up in a dysfunctional household, suffered abuse emotionally, physically and psychically.
Both my children gave me purpose to survive. In my hyperawareness, I did what I had to do and rose to my values in raising my children.
In looking back over the last 70 plus years, my body acted as the vessel for my pain. Deep within I stored terror, fear and distrust of those closest to me. My nervous system supported my trauma and my body grew around pain. I constantly compromised, hiding my true self, only showing my expected self.
Over time, I sifted through truth and lies, built my values on the love for my children, defined and redefined my safety and sorted through my gifts as a medium.
My daughter transitioned twelve years ago after a lifetime of struggle and broke me further open, but this time this breakdown was lined with the immense love for both my girls, purging and relearning my boundaries, discovering my voice, discovering my body, my needs and wants and recapturing the essence of who I am. Through intense therapy, my brain is reclaiming traumatized pathways and my nervous system is healing.
I see more clearly now my daughter’s arc of life was a gift to me. She helped break me open, loved me so deeply, and then quietly left so I could find my pieces and put myself back together. I never would have found out who I am if not for her living, loving and leaving.
My living daughter, her sister, is still here, reclaiming her wounded self, rediscovering who she is, what gives her joy and empowerment, and rising up to meet her challenges. She is a mother and continues to discover all her gifts in life despite the release of her sister.
Each of us arrives in our present selves harboring an arc of life. This life is hardly ever easy. We are so innocent and open to what life has to offer and slowly learn through pain and hardship nothing is perfect. No one is perfect. We are all suffering on some level and within that suffering we learn, refine, discover and reclaim who we truly are. Some pathways are much more arduous than others. It is so important to find supportive community no matter how our arc of life plays out.
My daughters are my teachers. One gave her life for the healing of me and her sister because incredible lessons inhabit the silence. My living daughter is here on her path, living her arc of life in plain sight.
Both my daughters are guiding lights for me. One tethers me to this world where life is seen, heard, and real under my skin. The other tethers me to the world of the unseen. She stands in the doorway where I can finally see myself.
No arc of life is the same. It is a trap to compare your insides to other’s outsides. The gems I hold in my pocket are to remember, pain is present to learn from. What I need is inside me, not in the hands of others. And to truly love in this world requires love and respect for myself first.
It only takes a reminder to breathe,
a moment to be still, and just like that,
something in me settles, softens, makes
space for imperfection. The harsh voice
of judgment drops to a whisper and I
remember again that life isn't a relay
race; that we will all cross the finish
line; that waking up to life is what we
were born for. As many times as I
forget, catch myself charging forward
without even knowing where I'm going,
that many times I can make the choice
to stop, to breathe, and be, and walk
slowly into the mystery.
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