There’s so much chaos going on in the world, in the environment, in the political arena, in the social media arena, in my mind, in my heart. Changes in my human body, changes in my family, changes in behavior, changes in what is real and what is fake, desensitization to violence and trauma, worry, obsessing on perfection -- change in general, my list goes on and on. I can’t keep up.
The only way I deal with it all is distraction, some good and some not so good. I can’t count the number of times I turn to solitaire when I am stressing about something. I pick my fingernails. I zone out on music. I isolate. Coming from a dysfunctional, alcoholic home, long ago I made the conscious choice not to use alcohol. I eat but I can’t abuse food any more which has been a major adjustment.
I am distracted by life, errands, other’s issues, but still when I slow down and sit, I’m crying on the inside. This time of year, is so difficult for me since my 32-year-old daughter passed from liver disease in 2014.
From the end of July to the end of October, I feel like a lost ship in the tumultuous ocean being battered by memories, emotions, triggers and body pain. When I get emotionally upset, my body hurts, often from muscle spasms.
I continue to nurture and grow my relationship with her older sister, a woman of wisdom herself, discovering, struggling and in grief like me. Sometimes we trigger each other. Sometimes she is in denial and I’m not, yet the chasm between us is there because the challenge is so great to accept the loss. Then we have reprieves around my grandchildren, around the holidays when we look through the eyes of children and remember the good times.
It's not easy being human, feeling loss and grief. Throw into the mix aging, and I’m back to Solitaire. It feels hopeless until I remember the treetops.
I’ve been training all my life to be the healer I am. Oversensitive perception and awareness has plagued me all my life. My oversensitivity to foods wasn’t discovered until well into my 30’s though I had been ignoring symptoms for years. My inner knowing, feeling, seeing and hearing was hidden under an emotional rug, and for the last ten years I have been slowly peeling back the layers and honoring my abilities as a healing medium.
Living in a loving community gives my life purpose now. I’m learning to embrace my human side while extending tender, loving kindness to myself, allowing me to open to my skills as a healing medium with wide eyes and wonder. The energy world holds so much comfort if I get beyond my human pain.
I’ve built a community of people in my life year after year who honor both worlds seen and unseen. I can’t get rid of my ego as much as I’ve tried. My ego is part of the equation to happiness. I am learning to respect my ego, understand and heal the hurt and shame, and welcome my ego back into my whole self.
My ego is there as a balancer, granting me opportunity after opportunity to find balance between itself and my heart. This is not an easy task, likened to a war within in times of distress, for the ego is in full-on control bulging its biceps and directing the show.
Silence, softness, reflection and inspiration open my heart and there I can invite in both to help me remember my balance in the journey of my life.
Photo by Felix Mittermeier