GOD PULSE IS LOVE
DEDICATED TO
MARCY MOONEY AND LINDSEY WHALEN
CHRISTMAS 2006
I AM PACING LIKE A CAGED ANIMAL, LIVINGROOM, KITCHEN, OFFICE, LIVINGROOM, KITCHEN, OFFICE. I GET DISTRACTED BY THE TELEVISION AND THEN GET ANNOYED BY THE “HAPPY EVER AFTER” THAT HAPPENS ON TV CHRISTMAS SHOWS. I TAKE A DEEP BREATH AND MOVE BACK TO MY OFFICE. I’VE OPENED MICROSOFT WORD SO I CAN WRITE. THE WORDS “I AM PACING LIKE A CAGED ANIMAL” CAME INTO MY HEAD THE LAST TIME I PASSED THROUGH THE LIVINGROOM.
I HAVE FELT LIKE SHIT ALL DAY, CRAMPS, ACHING BACK, UPSET STOMACH YET HUNGRY. I HAVE WORRY LINES IN MY FOREHEAD AND FEEL LIKE I CAN GAG EASILY. YET I AM HUNGRY AND WANT SOMETHING TO EAT. IT HAS OCCURRED TO ME I HAVE SOME FEELINGS COMING UP SINCE I AM PACING AND FUSSING ABOUT MYSELF.
TODAY I HAVE FELT MY INTENTIONS TO WRITE SOMETHING FOR MY TWO DAUGHTERS, SOMETHING TO DO WITH MY PATH TO SELF LOVE AND A TESTIMONY OF MY HAPPINESS.
I ATE A WHOLE BOX OF GLUTEN-FREE LEMON WAFERS THAT I BOUGHT TODAY. IT HELPS MY PACING STOP AND NOW I AM SITTING AT MY COMPUTER. I SHOULD WORK ON TRANSCRIPTS. BUT THEN WHAT ABOUT ORGANIZING GIFTS I HAVE FOR MY GIRLS, FOR SHAWN, FOR MY MOM. THE PROBLEM IS I DON’T CARE. COULD THAT BE TRUE? DO I REALLY NOT CARE?
I THINK ABOUT IT CLOSER AND TEARS COME UP INTO MY THROAT. I FEEL SADNESS TIPPING INTO MY MOUTH COMING FROM MY HEART. IS THIS WHAT HAS BEEN CHASING ME ALL DAY? SADNESS DEEP AND NONCONSOLING. NO RESOLUTION, NO RELIEF, JUST SADNESS. THE ONLY WAY I CAN DEAL WITH MY EMOTIONS IS EXPRESS THEM, ACCEPT THEM AND LET THEM MOVE ON.
MY TEARS ARE REALLY ROLLING NOW. MY NAUSEA SURGES UP TO MY THROAT AGAIN. THE MORE I HOLD BACK THE MORE IT HURTS. YET THE MORE I FEEL THE MORE IT HURTS. I DON’T HAVE AN ANSWER. I REMEMBER TO BREATHE. MY CONTINUED BREATHING MEANS I AM WILLING TO GO ON WITHOUT LIZZIE, WITHOUT MY FAMILIAR LIFE, WITHOUT MY FAMILIAR SECURITY. OTHERWISE, WHAT AM I DOING HERE?
I HAVE CHOICES. I HAVE MADE THEM. I AM PRESENT FOR MY DAUGHTERS. I AM PRESENT AND STRONG FOR MY MOM. I LOVE MY FRIENDS AND SO APPRECIATE THEIR TIME WITH ME. I KNOW WHAT IT FEELS LIKE TO HELP PEOPLE AND IT IS A HIGHLIGHT OF MY DAYS. HAVE I ACHIEVED MY GOALS? HAVE I MET MY IDEALISM? HAVE I MODELLED ENOUGH FOR MY CHILDREN SO THEY KNOW WHAT IS IMPORTANT IN LIFE. CAN THEY LIVE WITHOUT ME? DO I WANT TO LIVE WITHOUT THEM?
I AM WRAPPED IN MY EMOTION CHURLING AROUND IN MY STOMACH. I BLEED MY EMOTIONS. I CRY A GUTTERAL SOUND DEEP FROM MY BELLY. LOVE IS MY ONLY PRIORITY. I DON’T CARE ABOUT MONEY OR THINGS. I CARE ABOUT LOVE. I WANT TO GIVE AS MUCH LOVE AS I CAN TO THOSE AROUND ME KNOWN AND UNKNOWN. IT DOESN’T MATTER. IT HELPS ME FEEL BETTER.
I WANT TO FEEL LOVE AROUND ME, IN ME, FOR ME. IT IS MY FOOD AND MY SHELTER. IT IS WHO I AM. I AM DISTRACTED BY THE MUNDANE HOLIDAYS THAT HAVE PEOPLE MANIC IN THEIR SHOPPING.
SOMETIMES TRUTH IS HARD TO FIND IN A SHOPPING MALL. SO MUCH DISTRACTION. I RARELY PUT MYSELF IN THESE PLACES ANY MORE. YET, I SUPPOSE IF I LOOK FOR IT, I WILL FIND IT. BUT THE ENVIRONMENT IS HOSTILE AND STALE. TOO MUCH OUTSIDE STIMULATION SO I CAN’T HEAR MY INSIDES. I STOP BREATHING WHEN I AM SURROUNDED BY THIS STIMULATION AND JUST DO WHAT I HAVE TO DO.
OUTSIDE BY MYSELF I CAN BREATHE AGAIN. I AM ONCE AGAIN WITH ME. DOES ONE WHO IS SO SENSITIVE HAVE TO HIDE AWAY FROM ALL THE UNNATURAL STIMULATION? DO I NOT MEET THE EYES OF STRANGERS BECAUSE I DON’T WANT TO FEEL WHAT THEY ARE EMOTING? IT’S EITHER FEAR OR LOVE, NO MATTER WHAT COSTUME THEY WEAR. SO MUCH FEAR.
I URGE MYSELF TO GET FOCUSED. WHAT HAVE I GOT FOR MY DAUGHTERS FOR CHRISTMAS? I AM NOT ORGANIZED AND DON’T WANT TO BE. I WANT TO BE BREATHING FREELY. I WANT TO GIVE THEM MORE OF ME SO THEY CAN HOLD THEIR MOTHER CLOSER AND KNOW MY LOVE FOR THEM IS DEEP AND TRUE. THAT IS MY GIFT TO THEM. I WANT TO SAY TAKE IT WHILE I AM HERE SO YOU CAN REMEMBER HOW IT FEELS. BECAUSE WHEN MY BODY LEAVES THIS EARTH, THEY WILL QUESTION THEIR FEELINGS, QUESTION THE REALITY OF THEIR MEMORIES.
TAKE A BREATH SHIRLEY. USE SOME CONTROL IN THIS FREE WRITING. I AM CRYING HARDER NOW AND FEELING THE PAIN FROM IT. WHY DO I FEEL SO DEEPLY? WHAT IS IN ME THAT TAKES ME TO THESE PLACES? I HAVE STOPPED PACING AND AM STILL SEATED AT MY COMPUTER. I AM TAKING DEEP BREATHS.
I HAVE NOT BEEN ABLE TO SING MUCH TODAY. TAKING DEEP BREATHS HURTS MY ABDOMEN. I WAS WONDERING LAST EVENING IF I WAS GOING TO REBOUND BACK FROM THE GLORIOUS HEIGHTS I WAS AT YESTERDAY. WAS I GOING TO BE SCARED OF MY OWN POWER? WAS I GOING TO RUN?
I DO NOT THINK I AM RUNNING AWAY. I THINK I AM FEELING REAL FEELINGS, LETTING THEM RUN OUT OF MY BODY AS FLUIDS RED AND YELLOW. I LOVE BEING A WOMAN HONORING AND OWNING MY POWER, MY LOVE. I AM 53 YEARS OLD AND I CAN FINALLY SAY MY BODY IS A SACRED VESSEL.
A HUMAN BODY IS A SACRED VESSEL. NOT ONLY DO WE SUSTAIN LIFE FOR OURSELVES AND FOR OTHERS WE LOVE, WE ARE ABLE TO HARNESS THE GOD PULSE THAT IS ALIVE IN US AND ALL AROUND US. THIS PULSE IS ALWAYS AROUND US. IT IS IMPORTANT TO RECOGNIZE WE ARE THE ONES WHO TURN AWAY, NOT THE GOD PULSE.
THESE WORDS WERE JUST WORDS FOR THE LONGEST TIME. I HAVE WANTED TO KNOW THEM AND BELIEVE THEM FOR A LONG TIME AS WELL.
I NOW SAY AND OWN THAT GOD’S LOVE AND PRESENCE IS AS REAL AS A LOAF OF BREAD. I HAVE WORKED SO HARD TO CLEAR MY EMOTIONS FEELING EVERY EMOTION AS IT HAS PASSED ON. EVERY EMOTION HAS HAD ITS LESSON AND I HAVE STORED THE LESSON AND LET THE EMOTION GO. IT IS NOT EASY.
THIS HAS BEEN MY PATH FOR OVER 25 YEARS AND I HAVE ACHIEVED THE POINT WHERE I HAVE QUIETED MY BURDENS ENOUGH TO LISTEN TO THE SUBTLE VOICE OF AN ANGEL INSIDE OF ME. I HAVE WONDERED WHO IS THIS QUIET GENTLE VOICE I HEAR? IS IT MY GOD, MY ANGEL, MY GUIDE? DO I REALLY NEED TO KNOW? THE INTENTIONS ARE OF LOVE AND ONLY LOVE. IT IS SO FAMILIAR TO ME, I OFTEN DON’T HEAR THE WORDS BUT RECEIVE THE MESSAGE. I HAVE BEEN LISTENING WITHOUT KNOWING IT FOR YEARS.
I EXPRESS MY GRATITUDE EVERY MORNING WHEN I AWAKE. I FEEL GRATITUDE EVERY MORNING WHEN I AWAKE FOR I AM ALIVE AND HERE STILL WORKING ON ME. THE ONLY DIFFERENCE NOW IS I AM MORE OF AN OPEN VESSELL TO LET THIS GOD PULSE FLOW THROUGH ME. I AM ABLE TO TAKE A DEEP BREATH LIKE A CARE BEAR AND BREATH OUT MY LOVE. I CAN TAKE A DEEP BREATH AND SING OUT MY LOVE. IT IS REAL AND IT IS WIDENING AND EXPANDING MORE AND MORE EACH DAY.
FOR MY DAUGHTERS MARCY AND LINDSEY, THIS TESTIMONY IS THE TRUEST GIFT I CAN GIVE THEM FOR CHRISTMAS, FOR I AM WRITING DOWN MY EXPERIENCE OF LOVE AND ACCEPTANCE. THEY CAN READ IT OVER AND OVER AGAIN THROUGH THEIR FUTURE YEARS.
MY CHRISTMAS WISH TO EACH OF YOU IS TO BE RESPECTFUL OF YOURSELF AND OTHERS, TALK ONLY TRUTH OF YOURSELF AND OTHERS AND LOVE YOURSELF AND OTHERS. THROUGH THIS PATH YOU WILL BE ABLE TO FIND TRUE HAPPINESS IN YOURSELF TO SHARE WITH OTHER LOVED ONES. THIS IS A GIFT OF FREEDOM, A GIFT OF TRUE LOVE. LET THIS BE A LEGACY FOR EACH OF US TO EMBRACE AND PASS ON.